OPENING UP
The Initial Response

I had a long weekend. My grandfather died. He was very close to myself and my immediate and extended family. I'm doing a series of posts on the things I learned about myself, my family, and life in this weekend.

The first one is about opening up. I've recently been talking to a close friend of mine about whether I open up or not. She claimed initially that I don't talk to her much about some things, and I told her I don't like to burden other people with my problems. I deal, or I don't worry. It's just a matter of being able to let go of something when you can't do anything about it. She accepted that explanation.

On Friday morning, I found out via phone call that my grandfather had died, and I cried. I was sitting in my office, just trying to decide what to do with myself. I probably spent 20 min, frozen, before finally I checked the train schedule. I decided what train I was going to get on.

Then came the hard part. I couldn't figure out how I was going to get out of the office. I don't really know the people in my office too well. I tend to be quiet, sitting in the back office where I work, taking care of the projects I've been assigned. I'm not close with my co-workers yet. (As an aside, I was surprised how well all my co-workers knew each other. They were talking about each other's ex's and things like that. My co-workers rarely knew about that kind of thing, and they only did if I knew them outside of work.) My boss had left me with some stuff to work on, but he was on vacation. Normally, I would have told him and left, but I couldn't figure out who to tell. I didn't really want to tell anyone. I wanted to just get out.

And it is THAT reaction that I have been going over in my head. I know these people are nice, I like them, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them what was going on. I partly want to say that I did because I thought their sympathy and condolences would only make it worse. I just wanted to go home. I couldn't deal with people. Is this a defense mechanism, to protect myself from vulnerability? Or would it really, as I believed, have made it worse?

I don't know, and I want to, because if I am being defensive, if I'm intentionally cutting myself off from people, I want to know, and I want to do something about it to open up.

Fortunately, the story ended up well. Sparing the details, I was saved, and I just slipped out without talking to anyone. No one has said anything to me, and I like it better that way. I'm not sure if it's because they don't know or they didn't realize I left or what. I just never said anything. I came back like I never left.

It's strange. I don't know why that is. I don't know if the way I reacted was a good thing or not. Should I have protected myself? I feel like I handled my emotions much better when I could concentrate on them and face them, but when I was with people, I just want to push them aside so I don't cry. Is this a defense mechanism though? I don't know if I am just suppressing them or not.

What is this supposed to feel like?